Mambo B-Sides: Cover-ups

Disclaimer: misguided bitterness to follow. This was written about a week ago, and I've decided, against better judgment, to post it.

In a previous post, I mentioned the Dakota Tavern’s house band, the Beauties. And while they are a formidable band – they’ve got an instantly catchy catalogue of originals, have guests who slide in admirably, and have three guitars, all of which entirely count – they’re also surprisingly a band that can pull off covers. They cover, to my knowledge, Lou Reed, Wilco / Billy Bragg’s ‘California Stars,’ and Ryan Adams’ ‘To be Young,’ and, quite surprisingly, cover them admirably.

Which leads me to the question – when, exactly, is it suitable for bands to introduce covers into their sets? And, what exactly makes for a suitable cover?

Really, the answers are never and nothing. As an almost fail-safe generalization, songs are usually performed best by those who penned them. And, as far as I’m concerned, the only two recorded covers I’ve actually enjoyed have been Lucero’s cover of Jawbreaker ‘Kiss the Bottle’ (because it’s a song that, per it’s lyrical content and tone, completely suits an alt-country song) and Dinosaur Jr.’s cover of the Cure’s ‘Just Like Heaven’ (because, I’m convinced, Dinosaur Jr. are just a flat-out better band than the Cure. See this video for evidence).

For the most part, covers are either entirely awkward or are a general disservice to the original song. But I’ll admit: I am entirely biased, as I am a product of the Napster generation and the free-flow of digital music. And while I generally feel that this is a good thing – it’s provided musicians worldwide an avenue for free distribution of their art – it’s also opened the doors for the widespread distribution of terrible punk covers.

When Napster first arrived, I hailed it as the messiah: I could download Smashing Pumpkins box sets, access music that wolud classify as risky purchases, and indulge in guilty pleasures that previously would not have been purchases at all. Napster was a fantastic application for the serious and not-so-serious music fan, but a particular moment nearly jeopardized P2P file sharing forever.

Ska-punk flash-in-the-pan Save Ferris released a cover of ‘Come on Eileen.’

Now, there have been plenty of bands who have released covers – some in tribute, others ironic, others as LP add-ons – but ‘Come on Eileen’ was a released as a single. And, it was released a single that Save Ferris rode to moderate success. And, it was a terrible song. But most importantly, the amateur punk world noticed.

Using Save Ferris’ success model, amateur punk bands globally rethought their operational model – temporarily ditching the Black Flag methodology of releasing demos, vinyl, petitioning labels, and touring, touring, touring. Instead, these amateur punk bands emulated Save Ferris, placing a poorly constructed cover at the forefront of their catalogue – which were usually contemporary or classic pop hits, sped up over 2/2 timing or given 3rd-wave ska upstrokes.

And these punk covers hit Napster with a bang. A once noble tool was inundated with mislabeled, bathroom 8-track quality recordings of songs that, otherwise, would be quarantined to oldies radio. And, in an unsuccessful last-ditch grasp at success, many of these bands would mislabel their covers, feigning as more established bands. Evidence of this mislabeling has damaged P2P file-sharing to this very day; and unsuspecting, first time-using victims are still being fooled into downloading and listening to mislabeled tracks.

No, Pennywise did not cover the Bee-Gees. Skankin’ Pickle did not cover LFO’s ‘Summer Girls.’ Billy Talent did not cover the Deftones’ ‘My Own Summer.’ And Mambo favourites Anal Cunt certainly did not cover ‘I’m a Slave (4 U).’ And even if they did, the world does not need to hear such abominations.

So, to aspiring amateur musicians, I offer the following advice: please do not record covers. But if you must, please follow the following guidelines:

1) Never cover an existing band, unless they’re in the unspoken canon (and no, the canon is not the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame, or Pitchfork reviews). Keep in mind, most of your favourite bands aren’t part of the canon – you’ll know if a band is canon-worthy. And before my rationale gets criticized too harshly, Ryan Adams is entirely canon-worthy (see: Whiskeytown).

2) Observe a suitable period to cover a band’s song following their break-up. Now, if the band is not a canon band, I suggest waiting a solid decade before covering one of their songs. Anything else would appear to be corny, and your band will be assumed wearing your influences a little too proudly (even if you are).

3) Choose the song you’re covering wisely. This is a hard-and-fast rule: the more obscure your cover, the better. And this isn't just prentention; if the song is unrecognized by your audience, there are two possible (and positive) outcomes:

a. You will never be accused of pandering to your audience, thus giving your music a (maybe feigned) sense of artistic credibility
b. Your audience might actually confuse the song for an original, which is a compliment of the highest order

4) If you must ignore all the other guidelines, make sure that your songs are actually better than the song you’re covering (see the Dinosaur Jr. example). This, if anything, is covering as an act of charity: you bring exposure to a shittier musician. Note: I understand that critics of this point will point to subjective musical tastes. I call that an admission that you have terrible taste in music.

5) Don’t cover Bruce Springsteen. Ever.

And, in case it wasn’t apparent in the tone of this post, I actually do hate fun and also, keep in mind, ‘those who can’t, write.’